January 28, 2013

Square One

I had accepted it,
I had moved on...
I had finally made my peace
and finally made myself believe
That is was really over
And you were never coming back
That our story was over,
That chapter was closed
We were done.

Then I ran into you,
And I ran away...
I guess I hurt you again,
And so you forced open the book,
Re-read the story of us
Couldn't believe what happened,
And wondered why it all went wrong.

The act fell away, I did bother you
And so you bothered me back.
In an email wondering aloud all those things
You never thought of telling me,
When I was right in front of you
Or at the other end of the line.
Even when you'd been mine.
You only thought of it,
When in your presence I couldn't stay.
I wouldn't look at you and only run away.

So the mail drove me crazy,
And I wondered to myself, "Why now?"
A small voice in my head said,
"Maybe there's hope left yet..."
Yeah, I should've known better that.
I fell back to the place I'd finally climbed out from.
And the ember of hope (I should've known false) came back
To haunt,
Because I thought you finally wanted me (back).

For a week, I debated,
I waited and finally took a chance with Fate,
Finally thought it would be a now or never.
You swaggered in, and my heart jumped.
I thought I'd get used to the feeling by now,
Thought I wouldn't care about you somehow.

But you finally got your peace,
For now I'm the one broken down, lost
and with no sense of direction.
I'm the one who pushed you away,
And will keep paying the price of the mistake.
I never thought I'd feel this badly one day.

Same place, same people, but a different time.
Remember when you stole a kiss in the rain?
Messed my heart, messed my soul, messed my mind.
I can never win in this game,
Because you keep changing the rules every time.

"Move on," you tell me.
After hugging me tight, "Don't wait for me,"
You repeat, after kissing my forehead light.
"Kill me," you said, "I'm letting such a sweet person go,"
But of all things you told me, this is my  favorite one, you know:

"When I used to see you before I had this inexplicable happiness,
It just wasn't there today,"
And that roughly translates as, "Fool, I got over you. I beat you at
your game. Weren't you the one trying to hurt me with goodbye?"
I never thought I would be the one being scared of words,
Or would get hurt with words.
But here were the scariest words of them all:
I don't love you anymore.

I wish I'd never lived to see this day,
I wish so badly that you'd never come my way. 
Yes, I didn't before but I regret this now.
I wish I'd never seen you this year,
But mostly, I wish you had not given up...
You had seen right through my facade 
and stayed. 

Because honestly now, dear, you've moved on.
You were so long gone when we met that day...
I should've known you were never coming back.
I should've known when you said, "I really miss talking
to you,"
Because now you're fine and I'm standing on square one.

"I still really, really like you,"
Nice choice of parting words, darling.
Left me, forever wondering...but no, I'm not going to wait.
I don't hate you though. I can't do that.
And no, I don't regret the whirlwind romance we shared.

What I truly regret is,
we gave up on each other just because we couldn't talk openly,
Just because I couldn't be brave. 
If I knew how, I would change my Fate.
But I am stuck here now. 

A part of me is annoyed with you,
Because you're exactly where you should be.
And I'm once again,

Standing on Square One.
 

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