June 2, 2016

Musings: A Letter To My Younger Self

"Be who you needed when you were younger." 

I remember seeing these words on a post on social media. 
On a lazy Saturday morning. I remember having to read the words twice.
Then when I realized what it meant, I nodded my head in delight.

Little me needed a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on.
Someone to tell her the facts but not make up her mind for her.
She needed someone to guide her. Not tell her how to live. 

Young adult me was perpetually lost, confused.
Avoided mirrors like the plague. 
Couldn't wait to grow up. Couldn't wait to be done with school.
Just couldn't wait at all.

Then overnight she turned into an adult. 
Everything was overwhelming. Because no one can ever teach you
how to "adult". And despite all the jokes we crack about it,
we're all a little too hopelessly lost. 
Treading waters carefully. When we should have taken life by the horns and 
been dancing like there's no tomorrow. 

"Be who you needed when you were younger."

The words are so much more than merely words. They have a hidden meaning. 
At least for me. 

Because if I could tell one thing to the little me, 
I would take her hand and say, "Be brave, dear one.
Even if you don't feel it. Pretend to be. It's true what they say.
No one can tell the difference." 

If I could have only five minutes with the 
stubborn, young adult me. I'd force her to see her face in the 
Heroes often stay in the shadows. But it is those who are in the light, 
who know fighting back is braver than giving up, are the ones who are 
remembered. And they're remembered by name. 
Don't be afraid of your own reflection. 
You control it. Not the other way around.

And if I could tell my newly adult self just one thing, 
it would be this: laugh. Relax. Breathe.
You're not supposed to know all the answers. 
You're supposed to fall down. But you cannot stay there forever.
No one is going to help you back up. 
You have to pull yourself up. You need to push yourself.
No one will do it for you.
You have to be your own best friend.
You have to be your cheerleader.
And you need to play your own drums. 

"Be who you needed when you were younger."

One last thing I would tell my younger self,
Thank you. 
Thank you for making your mistakes.
Thank you for putting your trust in the wrong hands.
Thank you for falling down and losing faith.
Thank you for getting into fights, for being immature.
Thank you for learning to build up walls, when someone broke 
down your doors. 
Thank you for understanding pain, and realizing Hell cannot be 
much worse than this.
But a much bigger thank you for never giving up.
Thank you for simply having been you,
Because if you had not done those things,
I would have never turned into who I am today.

A good human being. A strong person. 
A crazy cat lady. A writer. An optimist. 
With bittersweet memories and an unbridled happiness, 
that is enough to last me a lifetime.