January 28, 2013

Square One

I had accepted it,
I had moved on...
I had finally made my peace
and finally made myself believe
That is was really over
And you were never coming back
That our story was over,
That chapter was closed
We were done.

Then I ran into you,
And I ran away...
I guess I hurt you again,
And so you forced open the book,
Re-read the story of us
Couldn't believe what happened,
And wondered why it all went wrong.

The act fell away, I did bother you
And so you bothered me back.
In an email wondering aloud all those things
You never thought of telling me,
When I was right in front of you
Or at the other end of the line.
Even when you'd been mine.
You only thought of it,
When in your presence I couldn't stay.
I wouldn't look at you and only run away.

So the mail drove me crazy,
And I wondered to myself, "Why now?"
A small voice in my head said,
"Maybe there's hope left yet..."
Yeah, I should've known better that.
I fell back to the place I'd finally climbed out from.
And the ember of hope (I should've known false) came back
To haunt,
Because I thought you finally wanted me (back).

For a week, I debated,
I waited and finally took a chance with Fate,
Finally thought it would be a now or never.
You swaggered in, and my heart jumped.
I thought I'd get used to the feeling by now,
Thought I wouldn't care about you somehow.

But you finally got your peace,
For now I'm the one broken down, lost
and with no sense of direction.
I'm the one who pushed you away,
And will keep paying the price of the mistake.
I never thought I'd feel this badly one day.

Same place, same people, but a different time.
Remember when you stole a kiss in the rain?
Messed my heart, messed my soul, messed my mind.
I can never win in this game,
Because you keep changing the rules every time.

"Move on," you tell me.
After hugging me tight, "Don't wait for me,"
You repeat, after kissing my forehead light.
"Kill me," you said, "I'm letting such a sweet person go,"
But of all things you told me, this is my  favorite one, you know:

"When I used to see you before I had this inexplicable happiness,
It just wasn't there today,"
And that roughly translates as, "Fool, I got over you. I beat you at
your game. Weren't you the one trying to hurt me with goodbye?"
I never thought I would be the one being scared of words,
Or would get hurt with words.
But here were the scariest words of them all:
I don't love you anymore.

I wish I'd never lived to see this day,
I wish so badly that you'd never come my way. 
Yes, I didn't before but I regret this now.
I wish I'd never seen you this year,
But mostly, I wish you had not given up...
You had seen right through my facade 
and stayed. 

Because honestly now, dear, you've moved on.
You were so long gone when we met that day...
I should've known you were never coming back.
I should've known when you said, "I really miss talking
to you,"
Because now you're fine and I'm standing on square one.

"I still really, really like you,"
Nice choice of parting words, darling.
Left me, forever wondering...but no, I'm not going to wait.
I don't hate you though. I can't do that.
And no, I don't regret the whirlwind romance we shared.

What I truly regret is,
we gave up on each other just because we couldn't talk openly,
Just because I couldn't be brave. 
If I knew how, I would change my Fate.
But I am stuck here now. 

A part of me is annoyed with you,
Because you're exactly where you should be.
And I'm once again,

Standing on Square One.

January 9, 2013

Begin Again...

I remember cursing you,
I remember cursing your name.
In the middle of the night.
Sometimes at 2am.
And when I stumbled through
This tiring day,
I finally saw things your way.
I know it's not easy.
Not for you and me.
I don't know whether you lost a friend,
But I certainly did.
Some times when I think back,
I remember acting like a little kid.
But like a wise person told me,
Keep the memories, forget the person.
Hard to do that at times.
But I'm learning.
Don't expect me to talk to you now
Or even look in your direction
If our paths do cross.
Because I'm done walking that path.
I'm still learning how to breathe again.
They said, "Never blame a new love
for things an old one did,"
And believe me, I try not to.
But you keep popping into my head,
When I least expect it.
Your smile haunts me wherever I'm at.
And when he asks me, "What are you
thinking now?"
I fake a smile and say, "Nothing special."
I remember you, I know you know,
Like the back of my hand.
And though I accept nothing ever
Goes back to being what it was before,
Sometimes I wish you'd come back at my door.
I know you've moved on,
Deep down, I never waited...
I don't even remember half of that night
When I wished you all the happiness in the world.
But I remember crying myself to sleep,
Waking up stronger and then I did remember,
I've done exactly to someone else,
What you've done to me.
In this vicious cycle of love,
There's forever someone we take for granted.
Now, you are a fond memory to me.
And I'm learning to breathe easy.
I smile when your name comes up,
and I am sure I'll smile when I see you.
Because life did teach me in the end,
Never to give up on love.
It was always the people to blame.
And I am so damn sure now,
I am going to begin again....

January 8, 2013

Cinderella's Story

I feel like her,
Cinderella.You know.
That girl from the fairy tale.
The one who was abandoned,
When her mother died.
But I don't feel abandoned,
I just feel the way she felt
Sitting in that dark, cold,
Dusty cellar.
Wondering where Prince Charming
Was at.

Fairy Godmother.
No, in my life they are
Because they come in various

Friends, Sister and of course,
Helping me through thick and thin.
And I am still wondering,
Where is that idiot.
Who's supposed to come charging through,
Riding on his white horse.

Have I already met him?
Or is he merely a dream?
Is his number already stored
In my phone
and does he quietly and secretly,
Stalk my profile on Facebook?

And do we keep checking the times
on our Whatsapp messengers,
To see when we'd last been online?

Poor Cinderella,
She didn't have these gadgets
To lead her to her Prince Charming.
But years later,
I can still understand
The agony she went through.
As she waited.
For the Prince to come.
Riding on his white horse.

Oh Cinderella,
If you could see me now.
I wonder what you would say.
What advice could you possibly give me?
Your Fairy Godmother fixed everything
With the wave of a magic wand.
And though I have many helping hands,
I cannot help feeling a little alone.

And in my secret heart,
As I sit before the laptop
(And not the hearth)
I wonder, Cinderella, just like you did
A thousand years ago,
Where the hell is my Prince Charming?
Don't tell me he got stuck up a tree!!!

January 7, 2013

Coward, Face It Now!

How long are you going to make excuse,
Runaway from me?
How much longer will it take for you to
know there's no escape?

Coward, face it now.
You've always been in love with me.
It was your ego
That has pushed you away
Far, far away
From within my reach.

Every time we meet,
I fake a smile so you don't see.
How much you've come to mean to me.

And every time I set my eyes on you,
Something like a fire begins to burn,
And it kills me that you're not even concerned
About what you can do with just one
Very, heartwarming smile.

Coward, face it now.
You cannot escape from the truth
No one made you that deal.
Eventually the truth is going to have to come
Out. It's either this way or that.

I don't want to hang in the middle ground.
Because I've been here before,
And I so knew that this is more,
Than a teenage girl's whimsical fancy
To find out,
What happens if she takes a chance.

Coward, face ME now.
Tell ME to my FACE,
What you told me in a text.
At least I had the COURAGE,
To tell you the truth.

It's your turn to do so too,

Time doesn't slow down,
Not for me and you.
So, don't be a coward.
Just face the truth now.

January 6, 2013

Answer Me!

“The wait is long, my dream of you does not end.”
Nuala O'Faolain, My Dream of You 

Finally I shall come to know
Which ways this hopeless crush
is going to go.

The wait was bitter,
long and hard
How I wish I'd been
more smart.

I can keep saying
Don't go breaking my heart
But I have a feeling
You knew this would happen
From the very start.

I appreciate the courage
That it takes,
To tell someone
You've been in love with them
Secretly and silently,
And trying to move on.

Yet wishing, deep inside,
For everything to go wrong.
So you could go running back,
To when it was just me and you.

I've never hugged you,
Shaken your hand 
Or even had looked you straight in the eye.
But now I can no longer lie.

I've loved you,
And I still love you.
It's time now.
For you to decide,
Whether you love me too.  

January 4, 2013

What's it gonna be?

Six years.
Haven't I been tortured enough?
Don't you think six years have been a long, long time.
I'm so sorry
But you were never my friend.
Because I cannot be friends with someone
I've had a major crush on
Since the time I was seventeen.

And I remember waiting,
Tirelessly, night after night
Despite knowing you might never come
I would wait by the phone,
Debate whether to call your home
And then I finally caved to your wishes
And got my own phone.

Remember how I'd startled you
With that first text
Out of the blue?
And how you made me keep waiting,
And waiting on you?

Then one day, when I
decided enough was enough
And I moved on.
You came to your senses and said,
"I love u."

I couldn't handle that,
That has always been my bitterest
Deepest regret
Not being able to say 'yes'
Because you've just no clue,
How much I've been in love with you.

I hate the feeling
Of having to had suppressed
The secret crush, and a little love
That I had always harbored towards you.

Though you say, 'we are just friends'
Though sometimes you make it crystal clear
and quite hurtfully so, to me,
That this is the place where we'll ever be.

I can't help having the faint ray of hope,
The quiet dreams of you and I,
And thousand stars lighting up the sky.

I know I had a chance,
And I know how much it hurt when I turned
My back on you,
But darling, admit it now.
You did make me wait, a little too late,
On you.

Six years later,
Now I finally have the courage
And now I'm asking you
If I said, "I love u"
Would you find it in your heart
to say, "I love u too?"

Could you erase the past,
and begin again?
Would you believe the girl
Who helped you through your dark days?
The one you abandoned
when things didn't go your way?

Or would you think this is the best time
To say goodbye?

Either way, darling, I need an answer.
Because I'm so tired of guessing
What's going on in your head
and the connection with your heart?

Six years is a long, long time
And I've been hurt enough
So don't be afraid to tell me the truth
I've learned not to hate love.

Tell me without a single worry,
How I would handle this news...
Trust me, dear,
If you want me to leave you in peace
I will quietly slip away.

And you can begin again,
Treat tomorrow as a new day.