September 12, 2017

Musings: Of Monologues and Fidget Spinners




I am watching the fidget spinner spin on the tip of my fingers. It is supposed to help me. It’s supposed to calm my mind down. It’s supposed to help me focus. The speed slows down until it comes to a dead stop.

I exhale.

I cannot let my mind wander again. I spin it again. Hoping with the whirring, my mind too can be muted.

Why is it so difficult to make people understand? Why has it been so fucking difficult to make people understand...?

Stop. I move it again. It spins again, merrily. Oblivious to the fact as long as it spins, it keeps my mind from wandering into dark places.

I am not broken. People go through things. People become the sum of their beliefs. People also leave.
That has been the constant in life. People leaving, but sometimes they also stay. And we are blessed. We consider ourselves lucky when they stay.  We –

Damn it. How many times would I need to keep spinning this thing on the tip of my fingers, between my forefinger and thumb, how many times would I have to spin this to keep my life from spinning out of control?

What was I saying? Oh yes. People leave. But sometimes they stay. I crib about people leaving but maybe it’s time I need to take a step back. I need to see the whole picture.

Does it matter that people have left? Yes. Because every time they did, they left this gaping hole of the size of themselves in my heart. But I learned to heal myself with time. I learned to understand that not everything in life is meant to last.

And you can always tell yourself that you’re one heart break closer to finding the love of your life.

It stopped spinning again. Wait, while I set it in motion again, will you?

I have been thinking and over thinking, letting snide comments from snarky people get under my skin. Who do you think you are in anyway? And what gives you the right to talk to me like you do? Did I hit my head hard against the wall? How could I have let someone like you into my life in the first place?

Shit! Shit! My thoughts are spilling out again. I am unable to form coherent sentences. The fidget spinner – watching its rhythm helps me form complete sentences. It helps me gather my thoughts. Because we all know I get tongue tied when the spotlight is on me. I am never able to make sense of what I am saying when I am forced to say it out loud. We all know I think so much better on paper.

There. That’s better. It’s spinning happily again, and I feel brave enough to face every what’s your point? Every well it doesn’t matter. Every I don’t care. Too bad. Because it matters to me. I care. And I do have a point. You’re just too much of an asshole to see it.

What is it with people these days? They don’t even seem to have decent enough excuses to be the kind of asshats we encounter every single day! Heartbreak really has become the national anthem. We have more exes than we have successful relationships. I really didn’t want to add to the count. I just wanted what I dreamt about since I read the first story which said that good always wins in the end. And wicked falls, and the Princess eventually finds the Prince and they do get to live happily... But...

Hang on. I need to spin this again. I cannot remember what I started out to say until I see it spinning in my hands. That’s better. So much better!

I have been called many things in my life. But I don’t think anything has broken me quite as much as the last few months of my life. What I always knew and what I am telling myself now is this – you always have a choice. You can always choose to walk away from someone who isn’t good enough for you. Who makes you feel you’re not good enough for them. You’re fucking perfect. You don’t need another person to make you believe that. Screw them.

Finally, the fidget spinner has come to a halt. I stare at it for a minute. This helps me. It helps me so much. But I remember a time when I didn’t need to use it. When I was happy and confident, and still had the world at my finger tips. It wasn’t the fidget spinner at all.

And I am fighting everyday to get back to the woman I lost trying to love a man who clearly wasn’t the one for me. I let the fidget spinner fall to the ground. Maybe today I will not be able to resist the urge to pick it up and start playing with it again. But I am pretty sure that day isn’t far either when I wouldn’t need it anymore.

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