Poem: Thought Spiral

Don't think so much.
Just be in this moment, isn't it pretty?
But I'm still looking at you.
Wondering how to tell you...
That I don't know how to stop thinking.
One little word can inflict so much of cruelty.
The cruelest things are often what we say to ourselves.
When everyone has left. When the light has been switched off.
When you're engulfed in the darkness,
That's when you need to remember
That you deserve kindness.
That you need to be kind to yourself.
It won't matter if they tell you over
And over again,
About how beautiful you are.
It won't matter if they tell you,
That you're truly blessed.
It won't matter that I'm lying next to you,
If I keep lying to myself.
I'm trying not to think so much.
Believe me. I've tried. I've tried.
Holding my breath.
Counting one to ten backwards.
Thinking happy thoughts.
Sometimes nothing works.
And I listen to the whisper, growing...
Until it nearly deafens me.
Buries me. And I can't breathe.

Are you still going to ask me to smile?
Be in the moment. Just enjoy life.
Even though you know I'm getting buried
Under the silent screams in my head.
Even though you know there's nothing left unsaid.
Some nights, maybe you should let my heartbreak.
Maybe you should let me make my mistakes.

Because I know when morning comes and I reach for you,
You’re going to shrug your shoulders and ask me -
“Do we need to talk every single day?”
And that’s when anything that I ever wanted to tell you dies on my lips.
Because what good is being with a boy who just wants to kiss you, sleep with you, 
But won't sleep next to you when your nightmares start...
Doesn’t want to know what still keeps you awake at night?
Who doesn’t seem to understand that to you silences are scary?
Maybe certain insecurities run too deep for you’ve been hurt before.
You think the only way to protect your heart now is by never letting anyone in.

You soon begin to pull away,
Stop doing the things you once thought you should.
You stop telling them things that matter to you.
You stop texting them because not everyone wants to wake up
To a good morning message burning brightly on their phones!
And you begin to realize that not everyone you love
Will love you. 

So you lie back down, and this time you don’t stop the thoughts
Spiraling from every single direction.
You repeat every unkind word you’ve ever heard,
Tell yourself you’re unworthy of love.
That there will never be another person who understands you.
That you need to give up. You need to change.
Because the way you are right now – no one wants you like that.

You switch off your phone,
Listen to the music that once played when
You were lying next to each other.
You’re one with the moment.
But your thoughts have completely taken over.
I’ve tried telling you what goes on in my head,
But I don’t think you ever hear me.
And that’s okay. Because I don’t think I want you to.


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